Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Halden: "This is, to date the most scientifically accurate summary of the nature of our blog. For the record."

I have started an experiment with me most excellent freind, Halden. We have decided to combine our culinary skills and editorialize them on the vast series of tubes you see before you. They will reside in a magical mansion who’s front door is a perfectly smoked slab of baby back ribs. . .where taps are never for water. . .where beautiful mermaids serve you buffalo wings of mind blowing deliciousness on a platter of magic bacon cooked by a unicorn’s laser vision. The drinks are always cold (unless they are supposed to be hot, in that case they will be hot. . .but not so hot you would scald your tongue because that would just ruin the whole experience), the food is probably bad for you (but always worth it), and, depending on how much we have consumed of either of those two, the posts are interesting.

We invite you to enter into the world of two minds in perpetual synergy. Our dreams will thrust themselves upon reality, pleasuring her with our wonderful meat and most excellent alcohol. You are welcome internet.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Take a look, it's in a book. . .

I found out today that I am now older than Reading Rainbow. Reading Rainbow first aired on June 6, 1983 and continued airing new episodes until November 10, 2006. Reruns were aired until August 28, 2009 when PBS pulled the plug on Reading Rainbow completely. This means that as of September 8, 2009 I have actively existed for longer than Reading Rainbow (I was born ten days after the first show aired).

Initially I was surprised to find out that Reading Rainbow had continued to exist long after my childhood, but then I became nostalgic. I remember watching Reading Rainbow quite often. I am not completely sure why I watched this show; in fact, I am pretty sure I never read a single book LeVar Burton talked about. We didn’t have cable and my parents could plop us kids in front of the television with this on, secure that there would be no boobs or cussing (most people would add violence to that list but as most of my childhood games were competitions/battles with my brother involving fire, falling or pushing each other from heights, burying one another, or other forms of violence and we would only get in trouble if one of us had to go to the hospital or damaged somebody’s property, I figure that my parents weren’t all too worried about exposing us to violence as we were pretty good at being creatively violent all on our own).

I also remember watching it often on my own, even before I learned to read at age seven (Yeah I started late, I blame my mother who “home-schooled” me until 2nd grade which allowed me to discover fire and all the aforementioned games, but never allowed me to learn to read). I had the theme song memorized and anticipated the ironic one liner that ended each book review because I definitely did trust Mr. Burton’s word but if he insisted, I guess I could try to force myself to doubt him. How could you not trust the helmsman of the star ship Enterprise? If the operator of a fucking spaceship tells you that a book is good, you better believe him. And if said operator is Geordi La Forge, a blind guy who can see with the aid of a kick ass mechanical visor, pretty much making him a cyborg, and this guy shows up and tells you that reading is cool, then you know without a doubt that reading is totally fucking awesome.

Whew, got carried away for a second there, but Reading Rainbow is a great show. Several tattoo shops I know of have a couple of free tattoos they are willing to give people. Usually it is a crappy drawing of a stinky beaver or some such nonsense but I have always dreamed of finding a tattoo shop that has the Reading Rainbow logo as a free tattoo. I would take that deal in a heartbeat.

I am currently reading the unabridged version of Les Miserables; a monstrous tome and a fantastic literary work. I feel that I have come a long way since I learned how to read as I am pretty sure that I just remembered the first book I ever bought (I have absolutely no idea what the first book I ever read was). It was a school book order and since I attended a Christian school we had to order from some shitty Christian publishing company. The first book I ever bought was the initial installment in the nearly unremembered, Christian, science fiction series, Zaanan. I remember thinking that these books were cool because instead of being rectangle they were square. That seemed totally futuristic to me for some strange reason. I believe that Zaanan was some sort of galactic police officer or detective or something like that because I remember mysteries being solved. The best thing about Zaanan, however, was that he got to wear these bad ass bracers that could shoot laser beams. I throw around words like “best thing” and “bad ass” but really, the only good thing about these books was the idea of these books. I am pretty sure that even in second grade I realize that the Zaanan series was pretty lame. . . But don’t take my word for it.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Found Poetry: A recorded testimony of drunken brotherly love transcribed for your reading pleasure.

I woke up in the middle of the night and listened to the first message for some unknown reason and, as I was mostly asleep at the time, the message integrated itself into my dreams and I had drunken, poetic conversations with Jordan all night. I did not recall this until I received the second message which allowed me to discover the first message as well as the text. The process of writing these messages down was necessary for both posterity and comprehension. If you would like a dramatic reading, feel free to give me a call.

7/26 6:00am (text)

Everythinh’r good,

nothing’s great,

things are stuff, yet all is well.

Love jordan. L & s…

Good morning butthorn.

Sometime while I was asleep on 7/27

Huurrr Ho ho ho ho ho

Here’s a uh, little message

from Jordan,

your brother


Clap clap clap

ahhh sometimes we wish

sometimes we piss

sometimes we wander

other times we Saunter

aaaaand other times we falter

and the other day I met a guy named Walter

Sometimes there’s splash

Sometimes you just go and pass

And then there are other times when we see a light

Aaaaaand there are other times when we see a fright. . . movie.

But in the end,

sometimes we just send…BAD phone call messages


Ate, sate, bate, crate, late…as always


lick, slick, tick…

The end. . ..dick

7/28 4:28am


what what what, is that soot

on my foot.

My foot, my shoe, don’t you?

Did not do those things that we did

and was done back when we had fun

now how did we… wow!

Those great crops

and give me props for not selling,

reeling those silly feelings that I was selling…

But please, don’t be a tease,

I say excuse you

when I sneeze.

Aaaaaaaaaand take cord when you snore and ignore…

myyyyy upbringing?

I see a stop sign

and I did not see Coralline

cause the movie looks like a little bit of a sloosey

and stuff

Safeway is the wrong way

I much prefer danger way.

If you remember that September or October and November

where we painted and instigated

much paintings,

many feastings…

Rooftops are great by the way,

I’m feel okay

It’s not all it’s up to beeeeeee…

and we see which is me Jorban,

Lorban, Jobs, Cobs, not Nobs


I get punched in the face in the end

so send me a message and we may uh, chrisbinosomebitch…

woops, now I’m just making up words.

were nerds,

butter turds…

Aaaaaaaaaarrrrllllllhrhghgsge sue poo you crew too

The end.

Holler back… girl.

Huh, jen, dun, du du duuu uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Boop!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Epic Goals

A couple of days ago I said "I am not going read anything or start a project until I finish reading the Bible and War and Peace." I immediately realized the absurdly epic nature of my vow and was even more pleased to realize that I was completely serious.

I plan on finishing before my birthday, a mere 26 days hence.

That is all.